Exhaustion

I am tired. My new job sucks the life out of me. I knew this was going to happen—I experienced it in my last job too—but it is so much worse this time. Sitting at that desk, staring at that screen, typing and clicking all day long while seeing the hours steadily taken away from me; it’s a profoundly demoralizing thing. All the best parts of me are being thrown away, and all of it is done for the sake of a paycheck. I go to bed every night exhausted, and not the satisfying exhaustion that comes from having spent yourself doing something worthwhile. No, this is the exhaustion that comes from having your soul ripped out of you and trampled underfoot as your life is stolen away, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.

And it’s not just my soul that is suffering—my body has been feeling the effects as well. My eyes ache from staring at the computer screen for hours on end. My wrists again need braces to keep the carpal tunnel at bay. My exercise routine, the thing that for the last year kept me in good form and productive, now works against me. I go to the gym to burn off calories and keep my muscles in working order, but it’s not easy to train one’s body when you’re in low spirits, and I leave the gym much more physically drained than in the past. Were it an option I would just cut out my gym routine altogether, however it is a necessary part of my life, seeing as how I don’t get any exercise while sitting at a desk all day. Despite be committed to exercise and watching what I eat, my health is already starting to worsen and I’m putting on weight. This job won’t kill me, but it’s doing its best to make me feel closer to death. Thankfully my mind is still intact, but even it will eventually start showing signs of decay if things continue as they are. With so much intellectual stimulation having been axed from my life by necessity, I am simply not getting the mental workout I used to. Writing remains the last bastion of significant mental stimulation, and I will continue to write so long as I can, but I find it is getting harder and harder. Having to carry the corpses of my body and my spirit at the same time is a colossal undertaking for my mind, and sooner or later it too will find its strength depleted. When that day comes, I will truly be a man who has lost his spark.